When the stars come falling down...

I also care too much. If anyone I even slightly care about feels down I try and help. But no. That’s insane, because people don’t care that much. They have to have ulterior motives. No, I really just care. Other people’s happiness help me fake happy. Seeing people smile makes me feel like I can do something right. Even if I’m a worthless lump, if I can make someone feel good then that’s good enough because at least darkness didn’t win over them, even though its got a tight grasp on my heart. You have no idea how important other people are to me. Actually, even people I don’t care too much for I care about. People should be happy. The whole world should be happy. And if I have to sacrifice my own happiness for them, then that’s fine with me. Because I can function without that emotion. I’ve done it before I can do it forever. Its not the most pleasant feeling, but its worth it, because they are worth it.

I feel really really really really really worthless right now. Like. I don’t even know. Maybe I just need to stop. Stop everything. Just stop doing everything and reboot. Because I’m obviously not good enough. I’m not nice enough, I’m not wise enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not happy enough, I’m not anything enough. And I probably never will. What’s the point of there being a me, when I’m not even me enough for myself? I think I need to stay off of Facebook for a while. But I can’t. Its how I’m keeping in touch with far away friends and I can’t leave them alone right now. Which really sucks because even though I really care about everyone, 5 people’s drama on top of my worthless feel is just not good for my psyche. I can’t even sleep because when I close my eyes its just really crappy and I wake up even more exhausted than the day before. How exhausted can someone be before they die of it? I don’t know what could help me, or who could help me, but I feel like I’m just zooming into darkness at an alarming rate and I’m waiting for someone to tell me to stop. Why does someone need to tell me though, why don’t I just do it on my own. Because maybe if someone notices I’ll know I’m worth something. Because what are you if you aren’t worth anything. A waste of space and a headache. Which is why I keep it all bottled up. Nobody wants to talk to an emotional, unstable, psychopath like me. Maybe everyone notices eventually and that’s why they leave. maybe I’m just meant to be left alone forever. Because its my job in life. My path. Because that’s where I always seem to end up. No matter what I try.

Why am I always such a stupid idiot? Is it even possible to be a “stupid” idiot? Its redundant. But I guess so, cause that’s what I am. Beyond stupid, worse than idiot. No other term fits. I think it may be a trait of mine. Because I use it to describe myself so often.

I have a hard time expressing my emotions properly sometimes. Like when I’m really happy or excited or just idk expressing comfort around people. I don’t have any idea why I can’t. I just can’t. I almost feel like something is wrong with me. Is there? Maybe. But I’d rather hope not.

I was on a happy high just an hour ago and now I’m feeling really blue. Idk why. Am I bipolar? Seriously. Its a concern of mine. I’d never want to take the meds they give you for it though, so I’m scared to tell anybody that I think I might be bipolar. Really I have highs and lows to often and the frequency kinda matches what I learn in my psych classes to be bipolar. I’m scared. But I’d never really admit it. Maybe. But anyway. I wish I wasn’t sad.

Probably one of my biggest fears either 1st 2nd or 3rd. Possibly tied for first would be social situations where I don’t really know the people. I hate it. I don’t feel comfortable. I would rather peel my skin off than participate. Even if it was doing something I’d love, because my stomach would feel like it was being shredded to pieces, I would never be able to enjoy it. Its no offense to anyone involved, its just no where near my comfort zone. Little, tiny, small groups of people mixed with other people I know is okay. But other than that I’d rather die alone and miserable than put my self in that type of situation. No way. Never. I’d feel like dying.

I just woke up from a dream where a spider was dancing seductively for me. DA FUQ DREAMS? Seriously what I’m I suppose to get from that? I must have gone crazy. I think out of all the weird dreams I had, THAT was the most unsettling. Creep factor wise. I don’t even know my own mind anymore. Imma go crazy one of these days.

I was going to go to bed early today, but I had a bad dream. I woke up but I just feel ugh. I’m just not happy right now. And Idk if I can get to sleep tonight. I’m a sad panda.

I just assume people won’t like me when they get to know me because, well, why would they like me? I’m nothing special. I’m really nothing at all.